HELLMOUTH: Open all hours
by Rigs Stargazer
Summary: BuffyOpen All Hours. Chapter 3 NOW UP Willow & Kennedy sent to North England to guard a Yorkshire Hellmouth by the new Slayers Council. Their new watcher? A ssstuttering grocer with a love of money & a certain nurse ... oh & Granville.Rated for Inuendo
1. Arrivals

Disclaimer: OK I know it sounds weird but read it, it kind of works. I don't own any of the characters in this story with the exception of Olly, Ronny Demonic and Mad Jack. Open all hours (a UK comedy series from the 1970s) is from Will Clarke and owned by the BBC and Buffy is from the fantastic Joss Whedon and owned by Fox So please don't sue me. I hope this brings a smile to some people's faces.

WARNING. Open All Hours plays on the fact that Arkwright has a stutter and uses it as a comic effect and true to the series I have taken some of that aspect into this fic. If you are offended by this, this fic may not be as enjoyable for you.Also there are some blatant innuendos taken from the series.

N.B. I see this as a series so as with all episodes there is the title sequence with the well known Slayer prophecy at the beginning but this has a twist. It sets the scene but you can skim read it if you know the Buffyverse well. V/O = voiceover.

Preamble:

(Willow V/O) Since the dawn of the age of the vampire there has been a slayer. She alone would fight the demons and the darkness.

Angelus vs. Buffy end of Season 2 (Angelus) No weapons... no friends... no hope. Take all that away... and what's left?

(Buffy) Me.

(Willow V/O)Then came the battle of the First and a powerful sorceress gave the gift to all potentials.

(Buffy)Anyone who could be a Slayer will be a Slayer. Can fight, Will fight. Can stand up, Will stand up.

(Willow V/O) The Watchers who hadn't perished in the First's strike

(Giles) They convened an emergency session in London. There was an explosion. The council has been destroyed.

(Willow V/O) ...found more who were destined and a new council was formed of the Slayers and Warriors who fought the First. Headed by the Two Chosen Ones and their guide...

(Faith) Great! We're in charge of stuffy English guys.

(Xander) Do we have to drink tea every day?

(Giles) The world is definitely doomed.

(Willow V/O) All of the Slayers were found, trained and posted to guard the world against Evil.

(Giles on a phone) They'll be with you tomorrow...... yes...... Goodbye. (Hangs up and looks at Buffy) It'll do the stuttering, tight fisted, skinflint some good to think about his calling instead of his profit margin for a change.

HELLMOUTH OPEN ALL HOURS

Staring

Iyari Limon AS Kennedy

Alyson Hannigan AS Willow

Ronnie Barker AS Arkwright

David Jason AS Granville

The shop was nondescript. It had a lot of merchandise outside, which was unheard of in Sunnydale. Two women stood on the pavement in front of it. One was staring fixedly at a map, the other at the sign over the door. It read "Arkwright's General Store"

Kennedy folded the map and glanced at the red-head by her side. "So this is definitely the place?"

Willow smiled "Yep, you are now the official Slayer of a little known Yorkshire Hellmouth right here in good old blighty."

"Honey, you've been around Giles too long."

Just as they were about to enter a man emerged with two brown paper bags and a look of fear in his eyes. "Don't go in there, he'll get you too. I only went in for a set of razor blades and look what he sold me!" He fished a packet from his load and brandished it at them. "Leg Wax!!! What am I going to do with leg wax?! I haven't even got a girl friend."

The looked after him in confusion as he disappeared round the corner. The Slayer shrugged and took her lovers hand.

As they entered a distinct smell of mothballs, liniment, cough drops and freshly baked apple pie hit them as hard as any ubervamp.

A large man in a tanned coat was looking slightly exasperated with a woman at his counter who was holding two tins of soup which looked almost identical. The shop itself was small, only enough space for ten people. On the wall behind the counter were wooden shelves, adorned with many cans, tins and packets.

"Right M-M-Mavis are you going to have c-cream of chicken or the chicken and l-leek?" his smile seemed forced, even his stutter seemed to have an edge.

"Ooooh I'm not sure Mr. Arkwright." both accents were deep north English.

"I d-didn't think you would be. Put it this way. D-Do you like l-leek?"

"I think so."

"And do you l-like cream?"

"I don't think I do."

"Then you want the chicken and l-leek!" His voice was filled with triumph.

"But I think I liked the cream of chicken last time I had that too" His eye lost its glint but only for a second. He grabbed something from an unseen compartment.

"In that case M-Mavis I'll sell you a tin of c-cream of chicken and a single l-leek for the price of b-both tins."

Contrary to all logic the woman seemed to find this arrangement perfectly reasonable. She was just getting her change when the door slammed open a boy no older than Kennedy and Willow stomped in wearing a pinny and a peaked cap.

"I cannot cope going around town with that thing between my legs, it'll have to go!" he ducked below the counter and went into a room to the back of the store.

"S-s-strange th-that's almost word for word what his m-mother said s-so many times." Upon seeing the questioning look from his customers he explained that his nephew was, in fact, referring to the old shop delivery bike.

As Mavis left, soup and leek amongst other thing under her arm, Arkwright disappeared out into the back room.

The girls ducked under the counter and made their way to the door, From inside an argument raged in such a way that it seemed to be being done more out of habit rather than indignation. Arkwright himself was knelt by the coal fire looking though the pokers while Granville seemed to be starting the dinner.

"That bike is CLAPPED OUT!"

"It is n-not clapped out, G-Granville. What did you b-b-break on it this time."

"I didn't b-b-break anything, that thing almost b-b-broke me coming down Alan's road!" Though it was clear that the young man himself didn't stutter, he was very accurate in his parody of his uncle's impediment.

"Do you know what's gone wrong?"

"The BIKE!"

"G-g-granville!"

"Ok, the front wheel keeps jamming."

"D-d-did you j-j-jiggle it a bit?"

"Blimy! i've spent most of my adult life j-j-jiggling it a bit. And still single and an errand boy in my uncle's shop!"

With unbelievable speed for a man of his build the shopkeeper turned from the fire and a dagger streaked towards each of the girls heads. Kennedy's hand flew to meet one and the other paused in mid air, half an inch from her left eye.

Granville looked shocked then at his uncle, then at the beautiful women whom he'd just thrown sharp objects at, then at his own pinny which seemed to be the only stable thing in his life at that moment.

Arkwright stared for a second then swore profusely for a full minute. "I n-n-never thought for a m-m-minute that he'd actually f-f-follow th-th-th-th ... th-th-th... do it! A b-b-bleeding Slayer and a w-w-witch! It'll d-d-double my overheads!"

A/N Well that's it, chapter 1! Tell me what you think. Bad or good. Flames welcome, if i don't get your opinions i can't improve.

Watch this space for more.

Rigs


	2. Nurse Gladys and stop stuttering

Disclaimer: OK I know it sounds weird but read it, it kind of works. I don't own any of the characters in this story with the exception of Olli, Ronny Demonic and Mad Jack. Open all hours (a UK comedy series from the 1970s) is from Will Clarke and owned by the BBC and Buffy is from the fantastic Joss Whedon and owned by Fox so please don't sue me. I hope this brings a smile to some people's faces.

WARNING. Open All Hours plays on the fact that Arkwright has a stutter and uses it as a comic effect and true to the series I have taken some of that aspect into this fic. If you are offended by this, this fic may not be as enjoyable for you. Also there are some blatant innuendos taken from the series.

HELLMOUTH OPEN ALL HOURS  
(Chapter II)

Granville's life had never been easy, he'd considered it boring, dull and monotonous to boot but as he listened to the life stories of the two women who'd just entered the shop, and that dull life he'd hated so much, He was almost grateful. And the knowledge that these two were romantically involved removed any of his usual awkwardness which seemed to be destroying and possibility of romantic encounters with women.

"So, let me get this straight. You, Willow, are a witch and you, Kennedy, are a slayer?"

"One of many."

"And you're both destined to guard the world from evil monsters?"

"Well yes but not on our own, the new council sends slayers all around the world."

"And this Hellmouth you destroyed in Sunnydale? It was a magnet for all of those demons and vampires and everything evil? And we've got one here."

The redhead smiled "Basically, yeah."

"That explains why the Black Widow hasn't moved away."

Kennedy looked a little excited. "The Black Widow?"

"Mrs Featherstone, She's trying to seduce old misery guts up there." He pointed to the ceiling with a spoon of apple pie. "She's a great admirer of his firm grasp on money."

Willow's eye's eyes glanced upwards. "How long before he comes down."

Granville thought. "I haven't seen him stutter that much since the VAT man thought he'd found a mistake in the books, and that turned out to be a smudge! He'll get to about halfway down the oxo tin before he calms himself enough to count out loud, then another third to reach normality and the rest just to make sure no-one's had their hand in it while he wasn't looking." The shop door bell rang. "Oh you know what that bell means."

"What?"

"S-s-seconds out and l-l-let's get some money in the b-b-blue corner."

Laughter ushered the three into the shop, where they met a smiling woman in a blue dress and white apron.

"Hello Granville, has he gone out?"

"Go out? And leave the oxo tin unguarded when the shops open? You must be joking! He's just had a bit of a shock"

"I want to see invite him round tonight, mother's in the hospital for the evening."

"Is she ill?"

"No but she needs her annual blood's doing and I'm too tired." She caught sight of the two young ladies behind the counter. "If he sees you behind there he'll stutter till he drops."

"Oh I'm sorry, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel, this is Willow and Kennedy, they're going to be lodging here for a while. Ladies this is Misery Gut's Fiancé. I don't know why she said yes but she's being treated." For this he received a friendly hand around his head.

Nurse Gladys studied the new lodgers and spotted their intertwined hands. "Now I know how he can have two lodgers in one room. Just trust me on this, try and keep your relationship on the quiet, most of the ladies around here are still convinced that this is the 19th century. Just wait until you know them before you let them know you."

"Don't worry Miss Emmanuel; we're pretty good at telling who'll be ok with it."

"Please call me Gladys. Are you going to be helping out around the shop?"

"As far as I know just serving and taking deliveries."

"Well that'll add some smiles to old misery's counter then. Do me a favour Granville, love, go and fetch him down from upstairs. If he wants an incentive tell him I want an opinion on my buns."

There was a clattering from the floor above and before Granville could move anywhere near the door it burst outwards. Gladys watched her out of breath fiancé reach the counter in record time. "--gasp—as always m-m-my dear the-they are in p-perfect condition. B-b-but if you w-w-want a more thorough inspection I'm available anytime of the day or n-n-night."

"Oh shut up you daft beggar! I assume you heard the whole interchange?"

"Only the b-b-bit about your poor old m-m-mother going into hospital. V-v-very ill is she?"

"No. Not at all."

"P-p-pity."

This received a slack jaw from the American slayer and witch. It also received a stern look from Nurse Gladys. "If you don't stop about my mother soon I'll..."

"N-n-no my dear, you know I'm only j-j-joking. I would like to h-hold your mother in the same place I hold m-m-mine. What was it you were s-saying about tonight?"

"You can come over if you like, I'll even cook."

"I'll be over after t-t-ten o'clock."

"Alright, I'll see you then."

Once she had left Granville tapped his uncle on the shoulder. "Did you mean when you said about her mother, holding her in the same place as your mother?"

"Yes of c-c-course!"

"Hang on, your mother's dead and buried!"

"Th-th-that's very true."

Before he had time to be berated by his new charges he started on his duties. "Right l-l-ladies, first the introductions. I assume that you will be Willow the s-s-sorceress?"

"I prefer witch if that's ok Mr Arkwright."

"We'll d-d-discuss that in a minute. And you…" He turned to the other woman who so recently entered his life. "…m-m-must be the Slayer K-K-K …. K-K-K….K-K-K"

Willow moved to the fruit and veg stand while Arkwright continued to try and stutter out the name of his charge. It seemed stupid that he couldn't pronounce the name of the girl he was going to train. She pulled an apple out of the stand and pulled a small knife out of her pocket. Arkwright had stopped his attempts and was watching the young woman in front of him gracefully cut the apple in half and take out the pips. Pulling the knife across the flat surface of the fruit she made a star and then peeled the skin from the outside. Then from a small cloth pouch on her belt she took out a phial of clear liquid. She let two drops fall onto the apple and put everything back in the pouch. Walking back to Arkwright offering the apple a whisper echoed round the shop.

EAT AND SPEAK THE WORD 

He took the half apple and ate it. With an encouraging nod from Willow he turned back to his charge. "You m-m-must be the Slayer…" he paused "…Kennedy" His face lit up as he said the word that was previously beyond his grasp. "H-How did you do that?"

"Trade secret" She winked at her girlfriend, then stood by the counter. "And that will be 23 pence for the apple."

Granville smiled as the shopkeeper grudgingly handed over the money. Then wider Kennedy opened the till, put the money in and closed it again, without any apparent worry of it removing her fingers as it had threatened to do to him so many times. These girls should make life a little more fun, he thought to himself, I wonder if they can help me mend that bleedin' bike.

A/N

Finally Another chapter up! More en route eventually. Keep tuned in.

And, as ever, Please Read and Review! Any thoughts even Flames welcomed with open arms. If I have no feedback I can't improve.

Rigs


	3. The First Night

Disclaimer: OK I know it sounds weird but read it, it kind of works. I don't own any of the characters in this story with the exception of Olli, Ronny Demonic and Mad Jack. Open all hours (a UK comedy series from the 1970s) is from Will Clarke and owned by the BBC and Buffy is from the fantastic Joss Whedon and owned by Fox so please don't sue me. I hope this brings a smile to some people's faces.

WARNING. Open All Hours plays on the fact that Arkwright has a stutter and uses it as a comic effect and true to the series I have taken some of that aspect into this fic. If you are offended by this, this fic may not be as enjoyable for you. Also there are some blatant innuendos taken from the series.

HELLMOUTH OPEN ALL HOURS  
(Chapter III)

That night the slayer, the witch, and Granville closed up under the watchful eye of the stuttering shopkeeper. It was deemed necessary that the two American girls were familiar with the shop and it's procedures before any slaying took place. "B-b-b-besides" said Arkwright, "If you're going to be l-l-living here without rent, you're going to h-h-have to work for it."

Granville gave them some entertainment after 'old misery guts' left for his liaison with the nurse. They found that he was almost as funny as Xander given half a chance and a decent entrance line. They laughed while they worked and ended getting the shop closed in ten minutes between them. Almost a third of the time it usually took the young man alone.

He also turned out to be an excellent cook, when they sat down to their evening feast it really was a meal fit for a Queen. He'd done sausages, peas and mashed potato for the main course, with his own secret gravy recipe, then, "in honour of his guests" an all American apple pie that sent the taste buds to heaven and back again.

By the time they'd finished Granville was filling them in on the regular customers and their quirks.

"There's, Mrs Featherstone."

"The Black Widow?" Willow interrupted.

"That's her. She only ever smiles when she's thinking of his majesty. She's one of those one's who are stuck in the 1800's." He grinned. "She won't like you too being behind the counter, which, in my humble opinion, is one more reason to have you here."

This received a smile from both Willow and Kennedy.

"Then there's the bread man, randy little blighter, convinced that if a woman doesn't fall for his lines they're not normal."

"Always got a girlfriend then?"

"Never actually seen a woman fall for him. To be honest the only woman I've ever seen him round the town with is his mother."

"All talk then. We've met those before."

"Uncle says 'He d-d-drives around town like f-family planner'" He scraped his plate for the last remnants of the apple pie while the women laughed. Then he resumed the narrative. "Mr Ronald will want to talk to my uncle about his problems with the wife, Mr Pickerdyke, the tailor, always comes in on the off chance of catching someone who's suit needs mending or replacing. They've got a deal going; every pound that Pickerdyke gets from business from this shop, my uncle gets ten pence. Then Mrs Johnson comes in to beat a loaf of bread to a pulp everyday. Wavy Mavis, you saw the tail end of a half hour conversation as you came in. The others you'll get to know the longer you stay."

"What do you do for fun around here?"

"Wind up droopy drawers."

"I meant once you finish in the shop at night."

"I don't . . . do anything that is, there's nowhere really open at that time of night."

Willow felt a little sorry for the young man, he was really a cute guy, it was a shame he didn't get out. She smiled. "We'll find something; my girl can find a hot party in a forest."

Kennedy looked deadly serious for a second, "She's not kidding. I did it two months ago in Shropshire, on the Welsh border. Killer DJ, it was in a barn." She laughed.

"Now, he must have set up a gym somewhere if he's a field watcher." Willow looked at Granville. "She gets cranky if she doesn't work out before bed."

"Don't know about the gym but there's a space probably big enough to do a workout in the cellar, if I move a few boxes."

"Lead the way."

The cellar was larger than they expected, there was boxes of stock down there that wouldn't fit in the stock room strewn over the floor but, between Granville and Kennedy, with Willow organising them and sorting the stock into some semblance of order, most of the floor space was cleared.

Kennedy and Willow did a bow staff workout with a couple of broom handles and then the Slayer did a quick aerobic workout. Granville watched in awe as they went about the routine. The nearest he'd been to people of this skill in fighting was watching the screen at his local cinema. He'd always admired the actors but thought the fluidity with which they moved was a myth but now he witnessed it first hand he was almost hypnotised by it.

When they'd finished their exercises and, at the young man's suggestion, returned to the kitchen for a cup of warm milk, Kennedy seemed to be watching him intently.

"I've either spilt something down me pinny, you think I'm a demon, or my pullover is changing colour very suddenly. Which is it?"

"None of the above." She looked again at him and it felt like she was looking into his soul. "I was just thinking"

"I try to avoid that" Granville looked worried "Do it for too long and, if you are anything like me, it'll become painful. Anyway, it's time we got to bed, 'his nibs' will be back in a while and we've got to get up in the morning to open up."

As he lead them back up to the living space of the building, Granville didn't hear a word from the either of the lodgers. He reasoned it must have been a long day for them and that they were probably tired. What he would have heard, if he'd suddenly been able to listen to the thoughts flowing between the lovers was the tail end of a conversation.

_ …….we should help him_.>

_Help him what?_>

_Look at him Wil, He's not getting what he wants out of life here._>

_You are right there but what can do?_>

_I'm thinking about it. Something will inspire me._>

Willow smiled almost imperceptivity. _My Slayer forming a plan?_>

_She might be._> The smile was returned _My Goddess will have to wait and see_>

A/N

Another chapter done and dusted. Hope you like.

Please Read and Review, ANY & ALL COMMENTS ARE WELCOME even flames.

More on its way when I've got some time to write it out.

Keep Smiling!

RIGS


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